Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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