he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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