Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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