I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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