I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
