Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
