You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Bring me that man meat
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
