I must be too annoying 4 u.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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