my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
