Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
