i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
