The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
