When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
