Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
