After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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