I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
