I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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