she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
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