Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
