I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just high enough for therapy.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
