I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
