I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
