: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
