Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
