Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize