Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
