i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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