How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I need to calm my uterus...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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