My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
