I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
