I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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