the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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