between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
