Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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