I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
