I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
