By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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