His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
