I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
