Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize