I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
