she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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