my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
