I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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