Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
