you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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