saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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