my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Randomize
