I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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