I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
