i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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