I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
