You smell like a Billy Joel song
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
