Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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