yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
