i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
