The maid of honor just puked.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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