I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
