I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
